Groove Is Life

Dream 4: The Script

2010-03-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

Things that stick out:
The band "The Script"
Sitting on a futon
Being Happy

What I remember:
Wondering if we were actually dating. Waiting for him to call, hearing my phone go off and being so happy that he was finally calling. Realizing it was just my alarm. Then being very sad that my dream wasn't real.

I feel: Happy, but then sad that it was just a dream, so happy before that though, full of wonder and possibility

Thoughts:
I'm lonely and I would enjoy someone to be in a relationship with. Butterflies are nice. But will I ever let myself get butterflies again?

Dear Self:

2010-03-24T17:19:00.000-07:00

Please try to remember days like today (sunshine, camaraderie, free Weakerthans show, free dinner, happiness). Sometimes there will be days that aren't like today. That suck. That make you want to give up. But remember that there will always be another day like today.

March 24th 2010.

Love
You

Letting Go

2010-03-18T06:59:00.001-07:00

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.

To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.

To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.

To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.

To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.

To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !

Remember: The time to love is short

------ author unknown

Dream 3: Suicide

2010-03-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

Things that stick out:
Suicide
wanting to die
humiliation
loneliness
sadness

What I remember:
I am asked to join two other girls to sing on stage in front of everyone by Gretchen, or maybe Bill.

One of them is a cast member (Jane). She stands in the middle. I stand on the right side. Unknown stands on the left. We begin to sing. But I sound horrible. I cannot sing, am horrible out of tune. Everyone laughs. I scream at Gretchen/Bill. Why did they ask me to do this. THey know I can't sing. They have set me up, it was all a ploy to embarrass me.

I decide to kill myself. Because of the embarrassment? I don't know. But I make the decision.

From there on I don't remember anything. But two days later, in the dream. I am huddling under a bench in front of a school (maybe a church) it is wet and raining. I see my mom's car driving towards me.

I feel: relief, maybe? Anger, that, once again, I have failed to end my own life. As much as I wish I could. I can't.

Thoughts:
Terrified of change, afraid of leaving school and starting a job. Will I fail? I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want to be embarrassed. I don't want to be alone. I wish someone would save me. I wish it would all be over. I wish someone would come and find me.

March 17th 2010

2010-03-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

Every day becomes a battle.

Getting out of bed in the morning just means another day to suffer through. Allow myself blissful ignorance while at school. Keep your eye on the prize. Keep a strong smile. Let nobody see you waver. Stay strong. Go to therapy. Talk. Talk. Talk. Have dinner with a friend. Talk. Talk. Talk. Meet up with family. Talk. Talk. Talk. Get into bed.

Cry.

Wish it would end on it's own, because you don't have the courage to do it yourself.

Sleep.

Wake up drenched in sweat. Change clothes.

Sleep.

Wake up drenched in sweat. Take off clothes.

Sleep.

Dream.

Wake up.

Repeat.

Cut

2010-03-12T13:17:00.001-08:00

I started cutting again. I know I shouldn't have, but the pain was too much.

The weight is so heavy, and this is all we know.

I don't know anymore. I don't like this weather. I don't like these migraines. I don't like not being able to work out.

I don't like feeling like this.

Dream 2: Not actually rape, but still rape

2010-03-10T17:59:00.000-08:00

Things that stick out:
pain in anus
confusion
weird hybrid boyfriend dude, not ex boyfriend, but still kind of ex boyfriend

What I remember:
Waking up with pain in both my vagina and my anus, but anal pain more prominent. Asking boyfriend if he fucked me in the ass while I was passed out, he says yes, I say "never do that again." He has clearly fucked me all sorts of ways while I am asleep/passed out. I did not wake up during the sex. Remember thinking it wasn't rape in the dream, but when I woke up I thought "that was totally rape." Then debated with myself all day about what rape is.

Thoughts: I have no fucking clue.

Dream 1: Beatings

2010-03-10T17:49:00.001-08:00

Things that stick out:
huge welts on my arms
protecting someone/someone else being beaten
no one believing me
never actually being beaten

What I remember:
I was running from someone who was beating me and someone else. The other person thought that coming forward would make things worse and didn't want to say who had beaten us. I was chasing the person, but didn't know who it was exactly. I had to uncover who it was and bring them to justice. Kept showing people my welts to prove I was being beaten but no one would believe me, or they told me I was over reacting.

Thoughts: Probably has to do with no one realizing I was a hot mess all my life, especially in high school. Neither my parents, friends, teachers, or coaches, ever noticed that I was crying on the phone every night to my parents and cutting myself in the bathroom afterwards. No one ever took my mental illness seriously, not when my dad walked in on me cutting myself, or when I called my mom every night crying about nothing. Lack of protection, not being looked after, not being taken care of

Purpose

2010-03-10T17:48:00.001-08:00

I needed somewhere to talk about the shit I deal with in therapy. And to document the dreams I have so I can talk about them in therapy. THERAPY!